Mama said there would be days like this.....

Patience is a virtue and I have neither! I am sitting here at work restless. Everything is done on my end..now here I sit and wait.

I feel like I am in a constant holding pattern. I am always waiting on something and or someone.
Words I am really starting to dislike are, 'hold on a minute' or 'wait' or 'give me a second'.Which won't be so bad, but it's not just a minute it's waiting for hours and sometimes days. Quite frankly these words have a dismissal tone to them. When you ask someone if they could please help you or do something for you and they respond with 'hold on a minute', walk away. Do it yourself.

However, you can't always do things yourself and you are forced to wait on someone else.
So then what? How do you tame that restless feeling that burning deep inside your chest? (NO, it's not Heartburn) How do you find the calm place inside and realize not everyone else runs on your schedule?

Here is what I have tried so far....
Deep breaths, which resulted with me sounding like I am huffing and puffing... Not good in a work environment, I started getting looks from my co-workers and boss.

Visualization, I am trying to picture myself somewhere tropical, sea side the smell of salt in the air, which resulted in my closing my eyes for a few minutes and the last thing I need is to look like I'm falling a sleep on my job.


If I wasn't tied to this desk I would go outside for a walk.... but it's just one of those days..

Mama said there would be days like this....

That's how winning is done....

You can find inspirational quotes from the most unlikeliest places. My latest inspiration came from the movie Rocky Balboa. There is a scene in the movie, where Rocky is outside with his son, confronting him about his negativity.

" Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that! "

I am better than that! In spite of my financial situation, and the Custody battle I am going through( for the second time) I keep getting up. I believe in the deepest part of my soul, that one day things will get easier. I just have to keep moving forward. Becasue....

That's how winning is done.......

Maybe I'm NOT the crazy one after all....

A few weeks ago I had dinner with a friend of mind, and like woman do, we started chatting about marriages, relationships, kids and everything in between.

The conversation turned to insecurities. I told her how I remember myself at the tender age of 13/14, full of teenage angst, looking at woman my age (36) and thinking 'WOW, I bet when I'm that age, I will be confident and sure of myself!'. I thought those insecure feelings we have as teens just evaporate into a distant memory in the grown up world. Nothing is further from the truth!

Sure, what we are insecure about changes, but the actual feeling is still the same. Some fears lesson in intensity and some grow. Some are realistic and most are unrealistic. On the inside most of the time I am still that13/14 years old girl and full of  angst.  I know a lot of people would tell me: 'Azra, there is a cure for that, take a Happy Pill!' Well, it's not that I'm not Happy....

After about 10 minutes of me rambling on and on about what it is that I am insecure about (which I won't bore you with the details) I noticed my friend hadn't said a word. She just sat there and listened and enjoyed her dinner. I stopped, leaned in across the table and said: "Don't you get insecure about anything?" She lowered her fork and looked at me like I horns were growing out of my head that very moment and made a snarling face (very uncharacteristic for her) and said "NO!" Not just 'no' but a definite NO!

I was in shock! WHAT?!?!?!?!? How can you not be insecure about anything?? She replied with, Because I don't get insecure!

That's when I realized, maybe I'm NOT the crazy one after all....

It's the imperfections, the rough edges that I love..

I came across this quote today that really rang true to me.

" You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing the imperfect person perfectly."

How true is this to you? Too often we are wrapped up in trying to find that "perfect" person to, dare i say it, complete us. When it's the imperfections that make life & love interesting. Embracing the differences, the oddities, and indiviual with an open mind and an open heart.

To love someone truly with an open heart and an open mind isn't easy. It's hard becasue we are human and tend to be judgemental and critical. All of which I am most of the time, I will admit. But, I am discovering as I grow and get older that, learning to be open with love is a true gift. A gift that I want to share with a partner, and a gift that I want to share and teach my children.

Perfect is a realitive term. What is really perfect? To me, perect is overrated and boring.

It's the imperfections, the rough edges that I love..

When Life gives you Lemons, Make Lemonade....

They say, 'When Life gives you Lemons, make Lemonade!'. Unfortunately, they forgot to mention you need more than just lemons to make said lemonade.
I am on a new quest of finding the missing ingredients in my life. It's time to take a personal inventory and reevaluate my direction and my desires. For far too long, I have been stuck in the past of where I have been. Or where others have been and it's getting me nowhere fast.

I realize I haven't always made the best decision in my life, but I can't take them back. I have to deal with it and face them head on. I have always been a fighter and a survivor, but damn it's been hard.

For the next twelve months I have decided to share my Journey of self improvements and finally finding my voice and solid footing on this Planet. I vow, right here right now, that everyday for the next twelve months I was will do something for ME & MY Soul.
Just for today, I will...... (yet to be determined)

I know, I know this concept is sounds totally selfish, but honestly I have to take care of me, no one else will. I believe through this process I will become a better mother, lover & friend.

A year from today, I will enjoy a nice big glass of Lemonade, because you know what they say.....

What Life gives you Lemons, Make Lemonade........